Curiouser & Curiouser

Life’s short. Get curious.

Plight of the Melancholy Rocker October 14, 2008

Filed under: happiness,music — curiouserx2 @ 6:19 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

My parents love to relate this story about a vacation we took to Florida when I was approximately 3 years old:

We walked out from the hotel to the beach, my parents, siblings, grandmother and I. Drenched in sun, the sand was a warm blanket – the bubbling sea beyond and a crisp blue sky above. Clad in a tiny bathing suit, a big, purple dragon floaty around my waist, I planted myself on this beach and took in my surroundings. Probably the smell of salt filled my nose, and the breeze fluttered my lashes, and the blowing sand grazed my ankles just above my jelly shoes. Probably.

But what is for damn certain (because no one will ever let this story die), is that I, in my three-year-old voice, cried out anxiously to all in earshot, “This is TOO NICE!!”

Apparently, I had a great talent for whining as a child, and my parents took this to be the ultimate complaint – that I was unhappy even with the niceness of the situation.

Not so, I say.

I can be fairly sure that I was extremely satisfied with my surroundings, and what I was trying to express was my inability to absorb all that beauty at once. And possibly I was fearful that so much gilded brilliance could only end in apocalypse.

I know this because here I am, 24 years later, feeling something achingly similar.

It seems my teenage angst never really wore off or wore down even, and, in fact, only festered and swelled as I waded through my early and mid-twenties (sans floaty this time). All that loneliness and bitterness and anger and regret and longing bore a body of music that speaks for itself. And then….

Well, suffice it to say, I’ve found my match where, I was starting to think, I had none.

And now?

I sleep beautifully. I live more.  I eat well (a little too well, know what I’m sayin’?). I talk endlessly to someone who is listening and understanding.I listen and understand someone who talks to me endlessly. I read books I didn’t know existed. I feel smart, funny, gorgeous.

And I haven’t written a song in more than two months.

Moreover, I’m afraid to. I mean, have we learned nothing from the countless women of rock who spat and raged and simmered and fumed. Who then, for one reason or another, got happy and got, well…. adult contemporary?

Will this be the end?

While part of me worries over just this, the other tells me to have hope. After all, band mate L and her S.O. have a healthy relationship, cohabitate and parent his child together, but for some reason can only pen break-up songs when they write together. (Which is awesome, because my peachy non-writing self loves the new song she brought to practice last week) (Oh! And we did take the one with pool table (see below)).

But – just for the record, I would not be the first musician undone by happiness:

(Tongue firmly planted in cheek, mes amis)

~a




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6 Responses to “Plight of the Melancholy Rocker”

  1. nuclearadam Says:

    I’m right there with you. I’m actually TRYING to become more pleasant and happy in life. And it’s not as easy as it looks. Best of luck to you.

  2. curiouserx2 Says:

    Thanks for the read, Adam. I hope that you’ll find happiness sooner rather than later, but if you must be melancholy, FOR GOD SAKES MAKE SOME ART!! 😉 I do think we can at least always make the most of our situation until it passes.
    All the best,
    ~a

  3. J. Says:

    Otherwise Known As: The Coldplay Problem. How do you take a “yellow” life, defined by “getting back to the start” and “fixing” things, to a happy and content existence? Not that there aren’t things to be mad or unhappy about in this world – plenty, that! – but the key perhaps, is changing perceptions. Hope is a funny thing, that moment right before something good happens, when you feel it in the pit of your stomach and you have to decide whether to hold onto your anxieties or let go of the rope.

    Or you could just be more like Gwen Stefani and change your style to make some serious pop-star hip hop 😉

  4. Trouble Says:

    I suspect the trick is to find the angst in happiness and then run with it. After all, happiness becomes rather meaningless without the flip-side always waiting in the wings to make it’s entrance or re-entrance or even try to take up residence stage front and center and not get off. And, then there’s the man on the cliff with the tigers above and below and the strawberries just withiin reach…

  5. Cleon Says:

    Amanda,
    Just to let you know, I am enjoying your writing.. Thanks for sharing your non-musical side… no not exactly non-musical.. your words seem to have a melodic flow to them.. Anyway, wanted to say AWSOME!!

    Take Care and keep on living.

    Cleon W.

  6. curiouserx2 Says:

    Thanks, Cleon! Great to hear from you. From what I gather on various social networking sites, you’ve been going through a tough time. My thoughts are with you. I do believe firmly that the best thing we can do in this world (for ourselves, for those who have come before, and those who will soon arrive) is live consciously and curiously. I suppose that’s the whole reason I’m writing this log.
    All my best,
    ~a
    p.s. Your daughter just wrote us a stunning little number. Can’t wait for you to hear it!


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