J is talking to me, but I’m distracted and only half hearing him. It’s bright in his kitchen and a wet, dreary morning outside, so, out of the corner of my eye, I see that we are perfectly reflected in the window. There’s him: t-shirt-clad as always, a green cup filled with orange juice held to his lips. There’s me: sucking down a bagel (a gluten-free bagel, mind you. I recently developed a wheat sensitivity, and J has taken this as a personal mission to discover new – and frequently unusual – food alternatives).
Anyway – yes, I’m basking in carbohydrate glory, simultaneously dreading the moment I have to head out into the rain and struggling to capture this moment, to cage it, fully alive and intact, in my memory.
Last night, J became only the second man (right, ok, non-blood related man) to hear from my mouth the words “I love you.” You see, I belong to the strange breed we call Cynical Romantics. Love is my Loch Ness Monster – spoken widely of, rarely spotted and often mistakenly identified (just a blured photo of a floating log we call Lust).
While I may not have been in love with every guy I’ve dated, I can see J as a strange amalgamation of these past men. None of them were without merits, and I’m seeing those things I adored slapped together in the walking, talking collage that is my current boyfriend: J2 was athletic with a kind heart, C shared my sarcasm and taste in music, S treated me like a queen, Italian A had a zest for life and M sang to me and loved my dog (more than me, if we want to be honest).
And here’s J: All of these things (and plenty more of his own – most notably: he’s well-read, a brilliant writer and together we can quote Anchorman in its entirety), wrapped up in one, flip-flop clad man. The ultimate partner in crime.
A girl doesn’t, however, come out of more than a decade of hardcore dating without some sense that there are challenges ahead, even with the most amazing of men. I know. I DO.
But, come on… This is my wheat-free bagel. I’ve done without for so long, and suddenly – I can have it. My world has changed.
Let me savor it mindlessly for a moment 🙂